Have you ever felt, that although you are in the last week of counting down, suddenly all of these negative emotions start coming in such as depression and loneliness? Unfortunately...these are feelings that I have had going on about three weeks. The annoying thing...there is no reason for it. I love Matthew with all my heart...there is nothing negative in our relationship, so why am I feeling this way? I've been praying for these feelings to go away...I know that as soon as I walk through those doors Thursday, I will be at peace, and may even have some tears of joy since this has been a hard stretch (I have been back in Colorado since July 4th). The hard thing though...is that we have to go six months after my trip in December...I don't even want to go there... on that issue. So after praying for these feelings to go away so I can feel nothing but happiness, I came up with a few reasons why the depression and feeling of loneliness have set in. My situation may be different, however, Matthew left for Scotland this week. This means 7 hour time difference, not much communication, and some days we don't even talk...it sucks! I know the time we will have together makes up for it, but this week is definitely challenging me to the max! Have I felt like giving up? Thankfully, I haven't reached that point, and I don't plan to knowing it's short term. But these feelings have brought back the way I used to feel before Matthew moved to Canada, and I think another reason I may be upset is the fact that he still cannot come see me, but can go to Scotland (I would have gone too if flights were not so expensive, if you know the story, he cannot come here due to immigration troubles). I also may be upset because all the memories of when I fell in love with him are mostly in Scotland and the UK. We grew so much the month I visited him there, and the places I have great memories, are places he gets to visit. I would love if you guys shared your thoughts with me on these points that I generally think may be the reason for depression and loneliness when you are about to visit you long distance love.
Point #1: Lack of Patience
I believe one of the main reasons that causes these feelings before seeing your long distance love...is the lack of patience. It's often hard to focus on school, work, or whatever you have going on, when it is down to single digits in the countdown. I know for me the past two weeks, the days have been going by so slow, because I find myself sitting in class, thinking about getting off that plane, and walking through the doors of international arrivals, to be in each others arms again. Girls in LDRs, do you daydream like that too? That moment you get to be together again after going months without seeing each other? An LDR is an LDR. Whether it has been one month or six, a reuniting is always the best feeling. So it's easy to become impatient, therefore causing unnecessary anxiety, stress, and depression knowing you are so close, yet so far away. Especially in my situation, where I have to drive an hour south at 2 in the afternoon, board the plane, have a layover in my own city (Denver), then arrive in Calgary finally at 10 at night! The best way to fix this feeling? Stay focused! Pretend like you have an ordinary week, and try focusing on what needs to be done, and suddenly, it will be time to head for the airport.
Point #2: Are They As Excited As I Am?
If you are a girl, you know what I'm talking about. We all have self confidence...but in some of us, we have a lack of self confidence in the sense that we know we are loved by our long distance love....but we think "I hope they are excited to see me as I am!" This can cause so many unnecessary feelings, and in often times, can cause you to act out, and show your anxiety and depression, because the lack of self-confidence sets in...something I'm really trying to work on. The best way to fix this? Have faith and trust. If your long distance love tells you they love you...they do! And I would hope they are as excited to see you as you are to see them. And of they aren't....then it may be time to talk, because this may mean you both are not on the same page. But in most cases, an LDR makes you stronger, so the love is almost always mutual!
Point #3: Already Thinking About Having To Say Goodbye
Every LDR is different, but the same in the respect that we all have to say goodbye again at some point. If your LDR is anything like mine, the love grows more and more each time...therefore, making it more difficult to say goodbye each time. I've realized that the last two times before July, I kept myself together...and had my pity fest by myself once I got home. I wanted to be strong for the both of us. However...in July...I completely lost it...in the middle of the airport. Sucks...I know! My problem, and maybe you guys have this problem as well is: "I'm so excited to see him/her, but I know I have to leave again." I try not to think about it...and it helps when I'm there for longer trips, but this time, because of having to get back to school and work...I am only staying Thursday-Monday. This only highlights the fact that the time we get together is SO important, and there won't be any time for negativity. And negativity in this situation is the thought of having to leave. It usually hits me while packing, and driving to the airport, and finally, standing in the same spot we always do in those final moments of having to say goodbye. There is a door I always have to stop at to have my passport/boarding pass checked...and Matthew stays until I'm through the door. Do I turn around and wave one more time before walking through those doors? Absolutely not. I know that sounds horrible...but it's too hard for me. We say our goodbyes, and I walk away...knowing I can't run back to him. How to fix this feeling? Enjoy the time you get to spend together! Try to push the thought of leaving to the back of your head. Thinking about the day you have to say goodbye...causes depression and the feeling of loneliness before even arriving.
Point #4: The Job Doesn't Stop
Well, everyone has to make money. And if you have bad luck, your long distance love will be working the majority of the time you are visiting. Whatever has to happen to put meals on the table...but us girls like to have all the time we can get with our long distance love right?! Thankfully, Matthew is only working one day while I'm visiting next weekend, but it's still time we won't have together, and he will most likely be working on Christmas Day..YAY!! Not so much....How to fix the sour feeling of your long distance love having to work? Have the mindset that when he/she comes home from work, you have the day to do whatever you want together! Make dinner together, have movie night, go for a walk, or enjoy a nice meal out. Another way to fix it, go see him/her at work. Matthew works at Starbucks, so I'm sure I will be visiting often. The last way to fix this situation, is to make use of the time you have with his/her parents. Are you close to your long distance loves parents? I'm close with Jacqui (Matthew's mom) so we have days planned in December, where we can have girl time, while Matthew is at work!
I hope this blog post has helped. Again, I would love input and comments! If the comments don't work on here, feel free to post on my Facebook wall (That's preferred actually. I know that works!) I hope I'm not the only one with these feelings. There are a lot of struggles in an LDR, but with communication, both of you can talk about these things. Matthew and I had a quick chat for about 10 minutes today. I was in a horrible mood, and when we got off of FaceTime...I went to a co-worker, she saw I was about to lose it, came over and gave me a hug, and I just started crying. At the time..I had no clue why I was crying....I felt so stupid. I have had this annoying feeling for three weeks. But after praying about it, and sitting down and thinking hard about why I felt so depressed, anxious, lonely, and mad...I was able to write about it! And I feel a lot better! Thanks to everyone who reads my posts. This one was very important to me! Stay strong my LDR friends!!
-Hannah xoxo
